My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
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ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.