*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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Not today
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo