My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
You Might Also Like
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Oceanography is all about current events
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Mountain Goat : )
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.