@AndyRichter: My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
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@ch000ch: just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee's is clapping
@MrGeorgeWallace: I'm just sayin', corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
@Book_Krazy: Mommy what's an "Act of God?" Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an "active god" is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
@WritePlay: "All the single ladies... All the single ladies... All the single ladies..." - list of girls who wouldn't talk to me in high school