My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
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*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Cats are still liquid.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.