My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
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mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago