Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
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Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten