*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
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Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
😂🤣😂🤣
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…