My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
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I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend