Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
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GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Breaking news:
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.