My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
This is hilarious….
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Uh oh…
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor