My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
You Might Also Like
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.