My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Finally, an explanation.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Jokes on them. I took 10.
emergency phone
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Every house has this drawer