In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
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[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
WHY?!
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]