@Underchilde: My boss caught me sleeping on the job and told me to clean out my desk as if he didn’t just see how lazy I am.
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@SamuelHLowe: Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages Need I say more?
@daemonic3: [robbing Whole Foods] "All the cash in a bag NOW!" 100% organic reusable bag ok? "Yes!" [puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
@OreoSpeedwagon_: Adopt 25 cats and you'll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though. -me as a therapist