@storming01: In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump... .

@InternetHippo: FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th

@HatfieldAnne: Of course I don’t put Christmas presents under the tree for the CAT! That’s just silly. She gets a stocking.

@NicestHippo: [job interview] You sure you know what it means to be a real estate developer? [i picture myself yelling at a building to try harder] Yes

@crushingbort: *crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler...everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler