My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
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“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Ladies, why y’all do this?