My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
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Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
lmfao
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Boating season is upon us.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.