My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
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My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
What the hell happened in there??
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.