My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
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It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
This makes total sense…
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.