My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
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Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
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My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
live long and prosper!
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.