My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
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Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark