– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
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Smile they said.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Unimpressed
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!