@SamDelanche: My boss just asked if I'm illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.
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@KeetPotato: [2 years after going missing at zoo] wife: [points at TV] "omg thats him" me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] "why is noone helping me"
@ClichedOut: Exec 1: We gotta improve our company image. E2: Hey, let's call customers at home. E1: At dinner, on Sunday. E2: But be pushy. E1: Perfect.
@rad_milk: I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
@sirchutney: Who just rang my doorbell? Its either: 1. A murderer 2. The police 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking