my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
yeah 😭
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.