@SaraESpivey: My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He's mad now.
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@EvilSchwartzie: The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you're pretty sure it's a girl squirrel.
@kumailn: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa" - the soundtrack to every Middle Eastern scene in every Hollywood movie.
@allthenachos: We're going to build a great wall to keep the inspirational tweets out. And Facebook is going to pay for it. Make Twitter Great Again.