@SaraESpivey: My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He's mad now.
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@notacroc: [getting my license] Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
@NotthatAdamWest: "Bless your heart" is southern for "I'm pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child."
@wendyraepearce: I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He's going to pay for that later.
@SaraMansford: If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn't necessarily mean he's rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.