@SaraESpivey: My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He's mad now.
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@upsidedowntrash: GF: You cant keep it. ME: But- G: Its a BEE. M: HES my FRIEND! G: Hand him over. M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
@Maxine12333: Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said 'make yourself comfortable', so I did, I went home.
@MamanyaDana: That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
@superdadatron: I'm gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family. Bacon Bad