My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
(yawn)
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I missed you with all my darts
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately