@SaraESpivey: My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He's mad now.
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@AlexvanBeek: Being a bigger account doesn't make you a better person. We're all terrible people. We're on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
@AmishPornStar1: Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves... Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
@david8hughes: [lost in Spain] Wife: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias Wife: well? Me: we are in Spain
@chuckyhead3: Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.