@o__0Dev: My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick.... Especially since his name is Steve
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@david8hughes: How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don't say 'garbage disposal' because that's jammed now.
@my_minivan_life: "Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs." "Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?" "That's cool."
@Itskarleytime: Guy at a bar: wanna come back to my place? Me: *elaborate excuse* Guy: did you just say elaborate excuse?