My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
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ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it