I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
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drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
me after drinking all the wine:
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.