my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
You Might Also Like
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.