“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
my retirement plan is braless
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”