When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
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It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
mood
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.