@Black__Elvis: My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know about my tastes in women's underwear?
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@OtherDanOBrien: [Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage] I'll take your finest orphan. "Sir, we can't just give-" Here's $50mil. "Do you like boy acrobats?"
@iAmDelFreaky: I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
@thesulk: Whenever teachers say 'show your work', just write a bunch of numbers down and hope they're tired that night.
@Imnotsurehow: A sure fire way to lose a afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"