The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
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Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.