@wendchymes: My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
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@murrman5: "did you ever get married?" [wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
@WheelTod: Buzzfeed's 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
@internetluke: [at dinner party] Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant. Vegan: I'm vegan
@courtneyno: The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I've been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours.