My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
umm…
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*