@wendchymes: My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
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@TheTweetOfGod: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you're out of eyes.
@AlexRogaski: *Runs across campus to get to class on time* Whew! I made it! *Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!" Me: "My personal identification number number?" *he stabs me*
@KeetPotato: [1st day as cop] captain: "why did you call for back up" me: "there was a fly in my car" swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do"