@SondraDeeMe: My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he's paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
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@3sunzzz: [aquarium exit] Excuse me ma'am, would you mind opening your bag? I beg your pardon?! OPEN YOUR BAG *opens bag and reveals two penguins*
@man_spach: When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they're judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
@RealPrincessKim: Every teen trick-or-treating tonight got a handful of candy and a, "You must be heartbroken. I can't believe Justin Bieber died so young!"
@The_Mentalyst: *Meanwhile at a restaurant* Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table? Me: So kind of you, I wouldn't mind. *Picks table and walks out*