My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
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Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled