My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.