My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
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People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
real
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..