My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
You Might Also Like
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here