My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
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This is a whole mood;
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Livid.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.