My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen