My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
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Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig