My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
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What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
The Book. The Movie.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
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Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”