My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like