Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
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Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Okay
#damn
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
the red hot silly peppers
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I love the honesty
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F