My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
You Might Also Like
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.