My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
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How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Nothing.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Called it
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.