My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
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comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
You’ll be OK
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.