My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
The prophecy is fulfilled
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Why do meteors always land in craters?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
*limbos away from your hug*
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.