My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
All. The. Damn. Time.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.