My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
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I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
This could be us… but you playing
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice