My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
some cats are just doing for fun!
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
When life hands you women, make women laid.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”