My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
me hooking up with my ex
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
bad news gang
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.