if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
You Might Also Like
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.